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Happy Thursday, my favorite Thursday buddies. It’s a very, very special night tonight. That’s right, it’s time for…
Yes, it’s the very first “Gutfeld!” International Feminist Awards, in which we honor those we feel have done the most for women. But unlike the Oscars, we’re going to keep it short – just like me. So tonight we just have one winner and do you know who that is. The first “Gutfeld!” International Feminist Award goes to…
Oh, this is so embarrassing, I had no idea, it’s such a surprise. I don’t even know who to thank at this point. And I don’t even have anything prepared to say, except for the monologue which I wrote, so I could give myself an award. I never win anything now.
BIDEN’S SUPREME COURT NOMINEE DOESN’T DEFINE “WOMAN,” AND DEVALUES THEM ALL
Now I never thought of myself as a feminist, probably because I could never grow a mustache. See that’s terrible stuff, and you shouldn’t laugh. But also, how could I be a feminist? I admire chivalry, I’m not angry, and I’ve yet to burn a bra. Well, not intentionally anyway. Once when I was 17 and drunk, I passed out with a cigarette in my mouth while wearing one of my sister’s, burned down the entire convent. But in this crazy time, it seems like it’s time for someone to take the lead in defending women since the feminist groups have gone AWOL. So ladies, follow me. If I don’t ask for directions along the way, that’s just how dudes roll.
So allow me to man-splain. There’s not so much a war on women, it’s more like a persistent erosion. It’s creeping into science, language, courtrooms, restrooms, sports and the streets where you work. And you know it’s a problem when leading female achievers can no longer tell you what a woman or what a man is.
TENNESSEE SEN. MARSHA BLACKBURN: Can you provide a definition for the word woman?
JUDGE KETANJI BROWN JACKSON: Can I provide a definition? No. I can’t.
TENNESSEE SEN. MARSHA BLACKBURN: You can’t?
JUDGE KETANJI BROWN JACKSON: Not in this context. I’m not a biologist.
MISSOURI SEN. JOSH HAWLEY: You’ve referred to people with a capacity for pregnancy, would that be women?
KHIARA M. BRIDGES: Many women, cis-women have the capacity for pregnancy. Many cis-women do not have the capacity for pregnancy. There are also trans-men who are capable of pregnancy, as well as non-binary people who are capable of pregnancy.
MISSOURI SEN. JOSH HAWLEY: So your view is, is that the core of this, this right then is about what?
KHIARA M. BRIDGES: So I want to recognize that your line of questioning is trans-phobic, and it opens up trans-people to violence.
GEORGIA REP. ANDREW CLYDE: I was hoping that you could define what a woman is for us in this committee hearing.
FATIMAS GOSS GRAVES: I am a woman. That’s how I identify. But I wonder, however, if in part the reason that you’re asking a question is that you’re trying to suggest that people…
GEORGIA REP. ANDREW CLYDE: I’m simply asking my question and I simply want an answer.
As we say around the gynecologist office, ain’t that a kick in the nuts? Now these are questions anyone could answer two or three years ago. Hell, these are questions a two or three-year-old could answer, period.
But science is now secondary to politics, it’s no longer about biology, it’s about inventing a language. The far left’s version of Pig Latin, and who controls the language controls the body. According to our most prominent legal minds, a man could be a woman. A man can, in fact, do anything a woman can do. Just a few years ago, if a guy said that alone, he’d be pelted with eggs. Now, apparently, he’s capable of producing them. And if you disagree, you are fomenting hypothetical violence as real violence. Real violence pays a visit to biological women.
OLYMPIAN KIM GLASS: This homeless man ran up, he had something in his hand and he just, like, looked at me with some pretty hateful eyes. And as I turned to go, tell my friend “I think something’s wrong with him, and I think he’s going to hit a car.” Before I knew it, a big metal bolt like pipe… hit me right here, here. It just happened so fast.
For the past year, we saw case after case of women being attacked by deranged men, hitting them with pipes, pushing them downstairs, shoving them in front of subways. And if you’re a woman in New York, you might get all three before lunchtime. Again, no feminist groups pipe up. I’d say they have no balls, but in all honesty, I haven’t checked. You never know.
OLYMPIAN KIM GLASS SPEAKS OUT AFTER HER SUSPECTED ATTACKED IS CHARGED: “HE NEEDS TO BE OFF THE STREETS”
But I guess it’s better to excuse deranged male felons than to side with law enforcement. And even if the perp is arrested, God help you. Thanks to absurd bail reform, abusers walk in and out before the blood on their hands is dry and some revisit their previous female victims, which is ignored by progressive loons like LA DA George Gascon, who plans to disband a group of victim advocates and prosecutors who notify the victims about their assailants’ parole hearings. That means when your rapist is up for parole, you won’t be the first, but probably the last person to know.
Again, where are the feminists? They refuse to take the field. And speaking of, the White House just announced new Title IX rules, which would sweep gender identity into the law’s protections and strengthen protections for those who face discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity. So who is this meant to protect? Take a guess.
TRANS SKATEBOARDER: I find that funny because that’s like what I’m getting beat up about the most is like you’re beating little kids and little girls. I didn’t intend to do that. Like, I just this is the first competition that I’ve been to that I actually wanted to win. I’m not going to go there and be like, I’ll go easy on them because they’re kids.
LIA THOMAS: I try to focus on my swimming, what I need to do to get ready for my races and just try to block out everything else.
PENN SWIMMER SAYS LIE THOMAS’ PARTICIPATION “RUINS THE INTEGRITY OF THE SPORT” AHEAD OF NCAA CHAMPIONSHIP
Whoo! Of course, when female athletes complain about losing their spot to someone wearing a jockstrap and who has the lung capacity of a blue whale, they’re called transphobic. So enjoy your second, third and fourth place trophies, girls. Never mind, when Leah Thomas competed on Penn’s mens team, she was the 505th best swimmer in the country. Now against women, she’s in the top ten.
So that’s like comparing apples to oranges or our ratings to CNN’s. I can’t resist, I’m sorry, I’m so shallow. It’s funny how this only benefits male to female trans. Not a lot of females who became males are winning at sports, which may be another form of sexism.
Again, where are the feminist groups? Are they okay with girl athletes getting crushed by athletes with a penis and the muscle density of a pit-bull with a planet fitness membership? One athlete who just got a medal of Honor says “if it bothers you to lose to a trans woman, then you should skip sports.” And this is spoken like an athlete who’s used to losing to males. After all, her team got shellacked by 15-year-old high school boys.
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So where do you turn, if you’re a girl who identifies as a girl and wants to play against other girls? Well, don’t expect Rapinoe to save you a seat on the bench. So it’s kind of sad to watch strong women do nothing to stop this trend while men like me do everything. Now, I could go on and on, but really, that’s something a woman would do. Am I right?